Marriage Matters: The Lost Art of Listening (Part 15)

By Mark and Jan Yokers

Several years ago, Mark and I were on the island of Murano, Italy, just a short distance from Venice. We were walking past a local pub in the middle of the day when we noticed a surprising amount of loud conversation coming from inside.

From the volume, we expected to find the place packed. The pub had a dozen or more tables, and it sounded as though every one of them was occupied. But when we peeked inside, we were shocked to discover only four men sitting around one table. The rest of the pub was completely empty!

As we listened for a moment, we realized that all four men were talking at the same time. They appeared to be having a wonderful time, but we couldn't help wondering: How much listening was actually happening?

It made us think: How well are we listening to one another—and especially to our spouse?

In our experience with couples, true listening is surprisingly rare. It has become something of a lost art.

We know this firsthand. In our own marriage, I, Mark, would have to admit that I didn't really learn to fully listen to Jan until our 42nd year of marriage! That's when we encountered the teaching and curriculum of How We Love, created by Milan and Kay Yerkovich. It opened our eyes to how important—and how powerful—real listening can be.

Listening is much harder than talking. Most of us are pretty good at the talking part! But listening is absolutely vital to a healthy relationship. No wonder James, the half-brother of Jesus, wrote:

“Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”

—James 1:19

So, what does real listening actually look like?

Real listening means being fully present and genuinely interested in understanding the heart and mind of the person who is sharing.

Too often, conversations become a kind of collective monologue—two people taking turns talking while neither is really listening. One person shares an experience, and while they are talking, the other is already preparing their response.

We've all done it.

Someone tells us about something difficult that happened, perhaps hoping for empathy and understanding. Before they can finish, we jump in with our own story—often one we are convinced is even more important, more difficult, or more interesting!

The question is: Did that person feel heard? Did they feel understood? Did they experience comfort, empathy, or genuine concern?

Listening becomes especially difficult when a spouse is expressing concern about something the other person has said or done. Sometimes that concern comes wrapped in blame, accusation, anger, criticism, or even belittling.

And then listening? Well... good luck with that!

Our natural response is often to defend ourselves, counterattack, or run for cover—depending on our particular love-style injury, which we've talked about in earlier articles.

And once that cycle begins, things can spiral downward pretty quickly. The conversation ends with no real resolution, no understanding, and two frustrated and defeated people.

And unfortunately, another brick gets added to the wall between them.

But can that cycle be broken?

Yes! Absolutely.

We're here to say that it can.

In our next article, we'll go deeper into what true listening looks like, how we can actually practice it, and the remarkable difference it can make in a relationship.

Just imagine what it would feel like to know that your spouse really listens to you—not simply waiting for their turn to talk, but genuinely wanting to understand what you're feeling.

How cool would that be?

There is hope. We can learn to listen differently. And when we do, we can begin to build a very different kind of connection.

Have hope!

—Mark & Jan Yokers

Marriage Matters is an ongoing series by Mark and Jan Yokers sharing practical lessons and vital communication skills from more than 56 years of marriage.