Marriage Matters: A Healthier Way Forward (Part 6)

By Mark and Jan Yokers

Have you ever had a reaction to something said or done where you felt a little out of control? Was your reaction involuntary or unexplainable? Sometimes these feelings come from past injuries. Refer to our previous articles for more insight.

Just over a week ago a close associate of mine (Mark’s) came to me with some difficult news that required a confrontation on my part to address the situation. I recognized this situation as a trigger. My past familiar response would have consisted of withdrawing, avoiding, stalling, procrastinating, etc. so as not have to deal with it. I hated confrontation. Thank God, I moved immediately to address the situation with resolve knowing that it was the right thing to do. I have grown past the old unhealthy patterns. Whether the past response to a trigger is to fight, flee, freeze, or fawn, one does not need to stay stuck there! Triggers may come but our response does not need to stay immature.

The goal is not to eliminate triggers. They are part of being human. The goal is to become aware of them — and learn to respond differently.

The first step is noticing you are triggered: a racing heart, tightened chest, sharp tone, or the urge to withdraw. Awareness alone can begin to slow escalation.

The second step is naming it internally: “I’m triggered.” This simple acknowledgment creates space between feeling and reaction.

The third step is regulation. Taking a short pause, breathing deeply, stepping outside briefly, or calming the body allows the thinking brain to re-engage. Regulation is not avoidance — it is preparation for constructive engagement.

Finally, instead of leading with anger or withdrawal, we can move toward vulnerability:

Instead of, “You never think about anyone but yourself,” we might say, “When you didn’t call, I felt unimportant. That hit something in me.”

We will be sharing in later articles how to move through vulnerable communication into amazing healing and bonding.

Anger protects. Vulnerability connects.

The Invitation Within the Trigger

Triggers are not signs of a failing relationship. In many ways, they are invitations — opportunities to understand ourselves more deeply and to repair where hurt has occurred.

Strong marriages are not defined by the absence of conflict. They are defined by the willingness to return, to repair after rupture, and to choose connection over self-protection.

That moment when emotions rise from 0 to 10 is not proof that something is broken. It is often evidence that something tender is underneath.

And when we learn to recognize that tenderness — in ourselves and in one another — we move closer to the kind of relationship we truly desire.

Yes, we can grow beyond our patterns of reacting. Stay tuned to learn more!

-Mark & Jan

Marriage Matters is an ongoing series by Mark and Jan Yokers sharing practical lessons and vital communication skills from more than 56 years of marriage.