Marriage Matters: The Last Two Love Attachment Styles (Part 12)

By Mark and Jan Yokers

In our last article, we discussed the third of the five attachment styles we learned as children. In this article, we finish the list by looking at the last two love styles in the HOW WE LOVE curriculum that can either strengthen—or occasionally complicate—our closest relationships.

Discovering the roots of the unhealthy ways we respond to our spouse—or anyone close to us—is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves and those we love. None of us has it all together. If we think we do...well...our spouse is probably smiling right now. We all have room to grow, and when both husband and wife pursue that journey together, it's amazing to see what God can do.

The final two love styles usually develop in homes marked by chaos, unpredictability, or fear.

The Controller

"I don't like being outside of my comfort zone, so I always make sure I'm the one in charge. That way I know for sure that I won't be taken advantage of."

More About the Controller

Controllers rely on control to keep the painful feelings they experienced in childhood from surfacing in adult life. Staying in charge feels safer than feeling vulnerable. Control protects them from the fear, humiliation, and helplessness they endured as children.

Because anger doesn't feel vulnerable, it often becomes the emotion of choice. Sometimes control is obvious; other times it's subtle. Either way, Controllers often don't realize that beneath the desire to control is a wounded child who never felt safe.

Many Controllers minimize their childhood experiences. They may say, "It wasn't that bad," or "I'm over it." Yet those early experiences still shape how they relate to the people they love today.

And yes, Controllers occasionally have a hard time delegating. They may ask someone to help, then explain—in great detail—the exact way the towels should be folded!

Are You a Controller?

If these statements resonate with you, you might be a Controller.

• No one protected me from harm when I was growing up, so I had to get tough and take care of myself.
• Life has taught me to either "be in control" or "be controlled."
• People would probably describe me as intimidating.
• Anger is really the only emotion I feel.
• I need things to be done a certain way or I become angry.
• I have few feelings about my childhood except that I'm glad it's over because I wouldn't want to go back.

The Victim

"I keep my needs quiet, and honestly, I'm not even sure what my needs are. It's safer when I just go with the flow—there's less opportunity for a blow-up."

More About the Victim

Children growing up in chaotic homes often survive by staying under the radar. They learn to hide, appease, and tolerate the intolerable. Some emotionally disconnect because it's less painful than feeling everything. Others retreat into vivid imaginary worlds where they can escape the chaos around them.

As adults, Victims often struggle with self-worth. They may feel anxious, depressed, or simply go through the motions of life. Many unknowingly recreate familiar relationship patterns by marrying a Controller and responding with the same coping skills they learned as children—compliance and retreat.

When someone asks, "Where would you like to eat?" they may honestly answer, "I don't know...wherever you want," not because they don't care, but because learning to have preferences never felt safe.

Are You a Victim?

If these statements resonate with you, you might be a Victim.

• Growing up, I experienced a great deal of intense anger and stress from one or both parents.
• I'm so used to chaos that calm actually makes me nervous because something bad must be about to happen.
• If I spoke up more or expressed stronger opinions, my spouse (or another significant person) would probably become even angrier.
• I feel like I'm just going through the motions and I'm tired and out of energy.
• I often believe everything is my fault and think that if I tried harder, things would be better.

If you're new to this series, we encourage you to read Article 10, covering the Avoider and Pleaser Love Styles, and Article 11, on the Vacillator Love Style. Together they provide a complete picture of all five love styles.

One of the most freeing truths we've learned is this:

Your love style is formed by what happened to you—not by what you chose.

These patterns were a child's best attempt to find comfort and reduce pain in whatever family environment they grew up in. Some of these memories were formed before we could even speak. Those are called implicit memories.

The wonderful news is that our love style is not our life sentence.

Healing is possible. We can grow into what HOW WE LOVE calls a Secure Connector—someone who experiences healthy intimacy, manages conflict well, gives and receives love freely, and isn't afraid to ask for help when it's needed.

Most everyone enjoys a free gift! If you'd like to discover your own love style, take the free Love Style Quiz at https://howwelove.com/love-style-quiz/. You'll also find practical goals for growth and healing.

Have fun learning. You may discover something that explains a lot—and maybe even gives you and your spouse something to laugh about together.

Next time we'll introduce the Secure Connector, who says:

"I am comfortable with myself and with others, able to handle conflict, negative emotions, and both giving and receiving. When I need help, I'm not afraid to ask for it."

That's the destination we're all aiming for. No matter where we begin, there is always hope, because healthy relationships can be learned.

—Mark & Jan Yokers

Marriage Matters is an ongoing series by Mark and Jan Yokers sharing practical lessons and vital communication skills from more than 56 years of marriage.