Marriage Matters: Are You A Vacillator? (Part 11)
Do you long for a close relationship, but instead find yourself picking a fight with your spouse? Perhaps your love style is a Vacillator. Mark and Jan describe those characteristics in this article.
By: Mark and Jan Yokers
Marriage is one of the most noble pursuits in life. It is worth every effort to become truly bonded with your spouse in love and understanding. We, Mark & Jan, have found great help and a true game-changer in our own relationship through the How We Love curriculum. As we share this material with couples, we continue to see marriages strengthened and relationships grow in meaningful ways.
In our last article, we covered two of the five love styles as taught by Milan & Kay Yerkovich. Before describing the third style, we want to share a short bio by the authors.
MEET MILAN & KAY YERKOVICH
For years, unseen forces governed the ways we loved each other, and we didn’t recognize the painful patterns we were stuck in until we revisited our first lessons in love from our families. For the first time, we understood the source of our frustrations and knew there was hope for deep and lasting change in our marriage.
Since then, we have worked towards a more secure bond with each other, developed new patterns of engaging, and rebuilt a flourishing marriage. Our prayer is that you will soon discover what we have: the relief that comes from working towards resolution, experiencing deep understanding, and knowing comfort.
Married in 1972, Milan and Kay have four children. When they aren’t writing and speaking, they enjoy their 10 grandchildren. Milan and Kay enjoy speaking together and have co-authored two books, How We Love (2006 and Expanded Version, 2018), and How We Love Our Kids (2011).
Now let’s look at the third love style, the vacillator.
THE VACILLATOR
“I long for close connection in relationships, but people always let me down. I spend a lot of time in my head trying to process all the disappointments, and I wonder why relationships are so hard.”
Growing up with an unpredictable parent, Vacillators’ needs aren’t top priority. Without consistent parental affection and attention, they develop feelings of abandonment. By the time the parent feels like giving again, their child is tired of waiting and too angry to receive. As adults, Vacillators are on a quest to find the consistent love they never received as children. They idealize relationships, hoping to avoid any feelings of rejection or abandonment. Life isn’t ideal, and as a result, they often feel disappointed, angry, and let down.
ARE YOU A VACILLATOR?
If these statements resonate with you, you might be a Vacillator. Take the quiz to find out!
- I feel like no one has really understood what I need.
- I experience internal conflict and a high level of emotional stress in relationships.
- At times, I find myself picking a fight, and I’m not sure why.
- I’ve always been especially sensitive and perceptive and can tell when others are pulling away from me.
- Others have said they feel like they’re walking on eggshells around me.
Knowledge is power. We encourage everyone to take the free assessment quiz to find your personal love style(s) at https://howwelove.com/love-style-quiz/. Maybe you have already identified your love style?
Till our next article, be encouraged! There is hope!
-Mark and Jan Yokers
Marriage Matters is an ongoing series by Mark and Jan Yokers sharing practical lessons and vital communication skills from more than 56 years of marriage.
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