Marriage Matters: Listening Makes All the Difference (Part 17)

Have you ever tried to assemble something that came in a box and thought it would be easy, but wasn’t? I (Mark) have many times. I would eventually have to find the instruction sheet and follow the steps. I found that true for listening. I just didn’t know how to listen to Jan…. for decades. What we are about to share changed me. I needed coaching and clear steps forward. What seemed awkward at first has become a joyful lifestyle. Here we go!

Listening is the art of relationship. It is not the art of offense or defense. True listening means choosing to enter into the heart and mind of the person speaking—to understand what they are experiencing from their perspective. 

One of the greatest challenges of listening is staying in the role of the listener long enough for the speaker to fully express and process the issue at hand. It means resisting the urge to explain, defend, correct, solve, or share our own perspective before we have truly understood theirs. 

Listening is important in every conversation, but it becomes especially vital when there is conflict, stress, disappointment, or hurt. 

The Gift of Being Heard 

The speaker is the person who is stressed, concerned, upset, or carrying something they want to share. This creates a wonderful opportunity for the listener to give one of the greatest gifts a person can receive: to be seen, heard, and understood. 

We all long for this. How powerful it is when we can give that gift to someone we love! 

The listener’s role is to ask questions, take notes if helpful, and periodically reflect back what they are hearing to make sure they have understood correctly. 

During this time, the listener is not trying to defend, correct, disagree, solve, or explain. The goal is simply to understand. 

When we move too quickly into comments, explanations, corrections, or our own perspective, we have moved from listening into responding. We have stopped the listening process. 

The following questions come from the How We Love curriculum by Milan and Kay Yerkovich. Their website is howwelove.com. 

Six Questions to Begin the Listening Journey 

1. What is stressing you, concerning you, or upsetting you? 

Give the speaker time to explain what is happening from their perspective. 

2. What are the top three feelings you have about this situation? 

The How We Love curriculum provides a feelings list that can help identify specific emotions. 

Rate the intensity of each feeling from 1–10, with 10 being the strongest. 

3. Tell me more about this feeling. 

Choose the feeling that surprises you the most, and become curious about it. 

Rather than assuming you understand, ask questions that help you discover what is underneath the emotion. 

4. How do you experience this feeling in your body? 

Where do you notice it physically? What happens in your body when you experience this emotion? 

5. How did you express this emotion? What actions did you take? 

Explore what the person did in response to what they were feeling. 

6. Were there consequences because of these emotions, actions, or behaviors? 

What happened as a result? How did it affect you, others, or the situation? 

These first six questions help us slow down and become curious about what our spouse is experiencing. They keep us focused on understanding rather than immediately reacting. 

Next time, we will continue with six more questions that take us deeper into the beliefs, experiences, and needs that may be underneath our present emotions. 

We trust you will find this process both helpful and hopeful. 

Let’s become known as people with a listening ear! 

—Mark & Jan Yokers

Marriage Matters is an ongoing series by Mark and Jan Yokers sharing practical lessons and vital communication skills from more than 56 years of marriage.