Marriage Matters: The Moment You Stop Talking and Start Listening (Part 16)

By Mark and Jan Yokers

In the last article, we described some of the frequent scenarios where listening is not really happening. Now we want to unpack what true listening looks like and how it can occur.

Before we begin, we want to reiterate that listening is not easy—or even natural—for many of us. Listening is hard work. It requires us to stop building our own response to what is being said and instead engage with the speaker to discover what is really in their heart and emotions concerning what they are sharing.

You may think, “If I do that, the other person will never stop talking!” But you may discover that the reason someone repeats themselves endlessly is because they don’t feel heard in what they are saying. When we truly listen, and the other person feels heard, they may no longer feel the need to keep repeating themselves.

When the speaker feels heard and understood, the relationship grows and matures. Appreciation and respect grow between you. The other person feels understood, and we gain a greater understanding of who they really are.

What a wonderful place to be in!

When Listening Changed Everything

Jan and Mark both remember well the first time Mark intentionally put listening into practice.

Jan was sharing an issue that was troubling her about their relationship. Mark did something that was totally out of character for him at that time. He stopped. He listened. Then he repeated back what he heard Jan saying.

He didn’t correct her. He didn’t disagree. He didn’t give his side of the story.

It took Jan completely off guard. She was actually speechless for a moment.

What just happened?

He was listening! Not rebutting!

Mark later told her that he felt as though he had never really listened to her during their first 42 years of marriage.

Learning to truly listen has transformed our marriage!

How Do We Listen?

To listen well, you must choose to increase your self-awareness and stay with the experience of the speaker.

Ask the speaker to share their issue in short sentences. Then have them pause so you can repeat back what you have heard.

You might say:

“What I heard you say was…”

or

“What I understand you are saying is…”

Then ask the speaker to affirm or correct what you understood them to be saying.

If they correct you, don’t defend your original understanding. Simply listen again and repeat back what you now understand, including the corrected information.

The goal is not to prove that you heard correctly the first time. The goal is to understand.

Slow Down and Take Notes

When discussing an important or contentious topic, it can be helpful for the listener to take notes. This allows you to remember what has been shared and helps you truly grow in your understanding of the other person.

Taking notes also slows the conversation down and can help regulate the interaction.

Even if you disagree with what the speaker is saying, you can still express understanding for their feelings and thank them for sharing.

And remember to pay attention to your body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions.

As the listener, it’s not about you right now.

It’s about them—their feelings, their experience, and their perspective.

What True Listening Is Not

Sound easy?

It’s not!

There are some very important things to avoid.

Your goal is not to fix the other person or even to solve the problem.

Yup—you’re there to listen!

Your goal is to gain understanding rather than to react.

Your goal is not to judge the speaker’s feelings or ideas or to decide whether they are right or wrong.

You may not agree with their feelings or understand their behavior.

That’s okay.

Your goal is to get into the heart and mind of the speaker so that, for a moment, you can see things through their eyes.

How amazing is that?

What Might Be Behind Their Feelings?

We have shared in previous articles how each of us has love-style injuries that began in our childhood.

In our next article, we will give you a template of questions for the listener to ask the speaker. These questions are designed to help you come to a fuller understanding of where the speaker is really coming from and what past influences may be affecting the present.

Are you ready to become a better listener?

We’ll give you more tools next time.

Have hope!

—Mark & Jan Yokers

Marriage Matters is an ongoing series by Mark and Jan Yokers sharing practical lessons and vital communication skills from more than 56 years of marriage.