Marriage Matters: When Triggers Turn Small Conflicts Into Big Reactions (Part 5)

By Mark and Jan Yokers

Have you ever noticed how quickly your emotions can escalate? You know... "Zero to 10" in a heartbeat?

Your spouse is late for dinner again and forgot to call. Within seconds, irritation rises into anger. Or during a holiday gathering, a small disagreement turns sharp. Words are exchanged. One of you walks outside to grill, and the rest of the day passes in silence.

How does something seemingly small become so big?

Over a century ago, in 1915, American physiologist Walter Cannon described what he called the acute stress response, more commonly known as “fight or flight.” Today, psychologists also recognize two additional responses: freeze and fawn.

These automatic reactions are built into our nervous system to protect us from danger. The body does not pause to evaluate whether the threat is physical or emotional — it simply reacts.

In close relationships, especially marriage, those reactions can look like this:

• Fight – confronting perceived threat with anger, criticism, or defensiveness.
• Flight – withdrawing, leaving the room, shutting down, or emotionally detaching.
• Freeze – becoming quiet, overwhelmed, or unable to think clearly.
• Fawn – trying to smooth things over, over-apologizing, or pleasing to avoid conflict.

Each response is an attempt to regain a sense of safety and control. In the short term, they may reduce anxiety. But in the long term, they rarely solve the underlying issue. Instead, they often create distance.

So what’s really happening when we go from calm to reactive in seconds?

The Role of Triggers

When someone’s behavior, tone, or mood creates an exaggerated emotional reaction, it is often called a trigger. A trigger is rarely just about the present moment. More often, it touches something deeper — an old wound, a repeated pattern, or a fear such as:

• “I’m not important.”
• “I’m alone in this.”
• “I don’t matter.”
• “This will never change.”

The missed phone call may not simply be about logistics. It may activate past experiences of being overlooked or dismissed. The disagreement at the holiday table may not just be about the topic — it may stir feelings of disrespect or rejection.

When we are triggered, our ability to communicate clearly diminishes. Logical thinking decreases. Problem-solving weakens. We shift from connection to protection.

And in that moment, our nervous system is trying to do what it was designed to do: keep us safe.

Can anyone relate?
Why do we have these exaggerated responses or triggers?
And, what is a healthy way to respond to a trigger?

Stay tuned for more to come.

Marriage Matters is an ongoing series by Mark and Jan Yokers sharing practical lessons and vital communication skills from more than 56 years of marriage.