Marriage Matters: Why Small Comments Trigger Big Reactions in Marriage (Part 4)

By Mark and Jan Yokers

Why do we have such strong, sometimes overwhelming stress reactions? Why can a simple comment from someone we love suddenly send our emotions from zero to ten?

Before we answer that, let us tell you a little about us.

We met in college. Mark was a hungry football player who cut in front of me in the cafeteria line. I looked at him and said, “Hey, just because you’re so big doesn’t mean you can take cuts in front of me!”

A year and a half later, at age 20, we were married.

From the very beginning, we were committed to each other. For more than 50 years now, we have loved, laughed, struggled, and grown together. Mark’s sparkling personality and Jan’s steady insight have carried us through wonderful seasons — and through seasons that needed deep change.

We cared about our marriage, so we invested in it. From years 21 to 42 of our marriage, we attended a marriage seminar or workshop almost every year. In 21 years, we went to 17 events — some more than once. Each time we learned helpful principles. Each time we grew.

And yet, one area still tripped us up: conflict.

How could we do so much work on our relationship and still hurt each other when disagreements came? Why did our emotions sometimes escalate so quickly? Why did we go from calm to overwhelmed in seconds?

In 2011, we were invited to a workshop called How We Love, based on the book by Milan and Kay Yerkovitch, available at howwelove.com. There, we began to understand something life-changing: triggers.

Kay explained it this way: when we are suddenly flooded with strong negative emotions during an argument, it’s usually because a trigger has been hit. A trigger brings a rush of anxiety, anger, frustration — or even withdrawal.

That was us.

Jan’s pattern was anger or withdrawal.

Mark’s pattern was anxiety or withdrawal.

And we say “was” with gratitude.

Today, after 56 years of marriage, we regularly use the tools we learned at that workshop. Those tools transformed our relationship. They helped us recognize our triggers, slow down, and respond with understanding instead of reaction. In many ways, the triggers that once controlled us are now events of the past.

So where do these exaggerated stress responses come from?

Most often, they are rooted in our childhood experiences. The ways we learned to cope, protect ourselves, or survive when we were young can quietly shape how we react in our closest relationships today.

There is more to this story — and more hope to share.

Stay tuned.

Marriage Matters is an ongoing series by Mark and Jan Yokers sharing practical lessons and vital communication skills from more than 56 years of marriage.