Marriage Matters: The Long Haul (Part 8)

By Mark and Jan Yokers

There is HOPE for couples when you are stuck! We want to share a story with our readers from authors and speakers Milan & Kay Yerkovich that illustrates this hope. The Yerkovichs have written a successful book, drawn from their own life experiences, called How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage. 

Milan and Kay are marriage counselors skilled in teaching people how to identify patterns of behavior developed in childhood that shape them as adults, which later impact their relationships. Here’s a quote from an endorser of their book.

“When we know our attachment style, we are able to connect, grow, and increase the quality of our relationships. Milan and Kay Yerkovich have done a great job of providing the steps.” Dr. John Townsend, Ph.D.

 Follow an excerpt from the authors below as they reveal an all-too-often scenario in marriage…

“We all love the idea of love. The falling in love stage is exhilarating, and we never feel more alive than when all we can think about is that special person. When we are in love, our brains are in an altered state that only sees what we want to see. Our new love is all good, and we become color blind. We can’t see red, thus there are no red flags.

Eventually, when the sweet memories of the celebration and the taste of the wedding cake has faded, color blindness begins to resolve, and gradually we can see clearly again. All Charles and Lucy [one couple we counseled ] could see was red when Kay and I talked to them. Their faces reflected the anguish and frustration of paradise lost.

“We both want out of this marriage, but we have a two-year-old and a three-month-old baby, and we don’t know what to do. Can you help us?” 

It didn’t take long to see their repetitive fight pattern. It wasn’t always about the same issue, but Charles had a hot button that Lucy always seemed to push. “It’s like I’m walking in a field of land mines, I never know when I’m going to step on one. The other day, I was laughing and smiling at the baby, and Charles said, ‘How come you don’t laugh and smile at me like that anymore?’  I’m done, I can’t take it anymore.” 

Evidently, with the divorce rate soaring, this Crazy Little Thing Called Love is harder than we ever imagined. As the juiced-up guys say on the late-night infomercials, “But Wait!!!!!  If you order now…,” is how Kay and I feel (minus the caffeine), when we meet young, disillusioned couples. But wait, there is hope. Push the pause button on the divorce, give us some time, and we think you may feel differently.”

One key point that we’ll continue to discuss next time is that your marriage problems did not start in your marriage! The seeds of relational frustration were planted long ago, in a little version of you that was ever so impressionable. We provided questions for Lucy to ask Charles, and as she began to hear his childhood story, Lucy began to cry when she realized…” (TO BE CONTINUED IN THE NEXT ARTICLE FOR THE HIGHLINE JOURNAL)

Getting to the bottom of that statement and using the tools the Yerkovichs provided has transformed our own marriage. Below, find access to those resources.

“There are many free resources and reasonably priced products at HowWeLove.com that an individual or couple can use to start the education and growth steps needed to provide better lenses through which to view themselves and others. Our How We Love Workbook provides an opportunity to challenge yourself in a direction that will improve all your relationships.

There is hope!

-Mark & Jan Yokers

Marriage Matters is an ongoing series by Mark and Jan Yokers sharing practical lessons and vital communication skills from more than 56 years of marriage.