Marriage Matters: The Secure Connector Love Style (Part 13)

By Mark and Jan Yokers

Relationships can be healthy and fulfilling when you are a secure connector. If this is your goal and you work hard, you can grow into developing healthy relationships. We believe that everyone wants that on some level. The results are so worth the challenge, and the process so wonderful and worth the journey. We desire that everyone reading this will join us. So now, let’s define the healthy love style: the Secure Connector.

The Secure Connector
“I am comfortable with myself and with others, able to handle conflict, negative emotions, and both giving and receiving. When I need help, I’m not afraid to ask for it.”

More about the Secure Connector
Secure Connectors are comfortable with reciprocity and balanced giving and receiving in relationships. They can describe strengths and weaknesses in themselves and others without idealizing or devaluating. Good at self-reflection, Secure Connectors clearly and easily communicate their feelings and needs. Resolving conflict was modeled for them growing up, so they know they’re not perfect and can apologize when wrong. Setting boundaries and saying “no” is also no problem for a Secure Connector. They are comfortable with new situations, can take risks, and delay gratification. When upset, Secure Connectors seek help and comfort from a person rather than a thing.

Are you a Secure Connector?
If these statements resonate with you, you might be a Secure Connector.

• I have a wide range of emotions and express them appropriately.
• It is easy for me to ask for help and receive help from others when I have needs.
• I can say “no” to others even when I know it will upset them.
• I’m adventuresome, and I know how to play and have fun.
• I know I’m not perfect, and I give the other person room to disagree.
• I can accept criticism and feedback and will thoughtfully consider it.
• I am comfortable with reality and don’t minimize problems.
• I can control the level of my reactivity, so I am able to stay engaged in difficult
  conversations.
• I am not afraid of conflict because I have skills to compromise, negotiate, and usually resolve conflict.
• I can ask for a do-over and try again when I blow it with my partner.
• I can admit when I am wrong and apologize without saying, “I am sorry, but…”.
• I have compassion for my partner in his or her areas of weakness because I understand the childhood wounds that contributed to those areas of struggle.

As you can see, the Secure Connector is secure in their own skin yet very respectful of others. Love and respect are at the heart of being a secure connector. Our passion is to help you move from the love style injuries that nearly every one of us has and move toward becoming a Secure Connector.

Having used the tools for healthy communication that we have learned through the How We Love curriculum has radically changed our marriage. We are deeply in love and having the time of our lives! And we just celebrated 57 years of marriage! We invite you to stay tuned as we share more of our discoveries.
To your success!

—Mark & Jan Yokers

Marriage Matters is an ongoing series by Mark and Jan Yokers sharing practical lessons and vital communication skills from more than 56 years of marriage.